Send It On

I've kind of been thinking about stuff lately. I'm not sure where to begin, but I know that if I am to write a blog about it, I need to start somewhere.

It's 2009. More than halfway through, 2009. I don't know why this thought gets to me. I just turned 17. I'm in love. I know who my real friends are. I've finally written my dreams in stone, making it official what I want to do. I'm entering grade 12 in less than a week and a half. In 10 short months, I'll be a graduate. Part of the Class of 2010 Grads. I'll get the dogwood, and the black robe, the hat... The ceremony. The pretty princess dress, and a slow dance at my Grad with my boyfriends, then a fast happy night with my best friends.

I guess what I mean to say is...

I'm growing up. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm having mixed emotions about it. I want to be older, and stronger... More experienced in life matters, and how the worlds works... I want to know more things. Be smarter, if you will. Wiser. I want to be more aware of things, in that way that you only notice when you start getting older and are forced to look at things from different angles.

But at the same time, I want to stay my age. I want to have fun, I want to be able to come home, and know that my mom is there waiting for me. I want to remain ignorant to certain things. Things that you don't need to worry about when you're young, but are brought more into perspective when you're older. I want to hang out with my friends, get into innocent trouble, like skipping class to go sip hot chocolate at Serious Coffee in the winter time, when you're supposed to be in classroom 108 with Mr. Roome, going over polynomials, functions, and algebraic expressions.

But then I want to be younger again. Like, 8 or 9, or 10. Oblivious to the real world, just happy being in your own. Going places with your parents, playing outside... Just... being a kid.

I'm getting my drivers licence in less than 5 months. My 'N', the one where I'm still learning, but don't need an adult in the car? Ya, that one. And, I'm getting a job soon. Ugh. Pressure.

It's crazy how when you're younger, you just want to be older. But, to be honest... I've always been scared of growing up. I've worried about, how I will get through school, and math class. Whether or not I'll surface with good friends, and a boyfriend... scared of having my heart broken. About how when I move out, I'll be scared to have my own place, cause I've always been paranoid, and scared of the dark... I wouldn't want to be alone in a house or my own place...

I know that I wont have THAT problem... RJ will be there for me... but... still.

I don't know if the people reading this blog know where I'm coming from... but... I don't know.

That's all I feel like ranting about for tonight, but... That is just one thing among many others that is on my mind. Feel free to ignore this post. I just needed to get one of the things crowing my mind, OUTTA there.

Hope you're all feeling better about this than I am.

Rae